i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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