OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
