after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
