What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
