I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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