i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
