I am midnight drunk by noon
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
