My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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