I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
being pregnant is like rehab
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
