Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
