You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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