the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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