I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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