the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
