my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
