i love accidental penises.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
