that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
