We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
