She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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