I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
