Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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