i may or may not be watching the land before time
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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