before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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