Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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