just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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