I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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