Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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