I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
