I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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