it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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