I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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