If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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