a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
