I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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