Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
