I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
