I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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