Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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