i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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