Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
