Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
