i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
