I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I have fence marks all over my body
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
