Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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