I haven't been this sober since birth.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
