Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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