Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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