My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
