Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
