I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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