Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
